COMMISH'S BIRTHDAY BASH
THE OLD MAN TURNS 40
 FILE PHOTO FROM A PRIOR PARTY |
Bill "Commish" Houston (That's Me) would like to thank everyone who attended my 40TH Birthday Bash this past Saturday night- March 4, 2001. Unfortunately, by virtue of free flowing beer, jiggly (but Lethal) jello shots, and some unidentified blue drink, my recollection of which attendee gave which gift is very foggy. So I will not be thanking any of you for specific gifts!! I will, however, be taking a moment, later in this report, to recognize those aforementioned presents- giving them the credit that they deserve.
IN THE BEGINNING
Special thanks to my wife, Hostess Lauren, for preparing an array of blender drinks (Mud Slides, Pina Coladas, etc) in advance. EDITORS NOTE- NO COSMOPOLITANS, I repeat, NO COSMOPOLITANS (THE VIAL DRINK OF CHOICE NEW YEARS EVE) were served this night- much to the delight of Rich and Marilyn Hyman, Sharon Calcagno, and- of course- the Hostess herself. Lauren also slaved over the stove most of the day Saturday preparing a feast of tasty treats and a yummy Amaretto Cake (which the late stayers got to try), while I entertained brother Jeff and "Friend From the Island" Tim at Jeremiah's and Jillians. (It's good to be the Birthday Boy). A special thanks to Jeff and Tim for flying up from New York. A special, special thanks to Tim's wife, Mary Ann, for allowing him to make the trip.****Thanks also to "Kids of the Commish" Ashley and Paige, who welcomed the early guests, brought coats upstairs and, despite, in their words, "All the Laughing and Screaming from downstairs", managed to stay in their room the remainder of the night. P.S. They did earn $5 each for their obediance.**** I filled the CD player with the "Songs of my Life", starting with obscure 60's tunes which Co-Worker Kristen had little, if any, knowledge of, and moving into the 90's and today. ***"A SIGN OF TROUBLE AHEAD"*** It was soon determined, somewhere in the 70's, that minds were deteriorating at a rapid rate when an off-pitch choir in the Family room broke into a rendition of the Looking Glass hit "Brandy.. You're a Fine Girl". Rock Burch took this moment to glance at the clock, roll his eyes, and think to himself, Jesus.. and it's only 9:00.
STUD OR JACKASS?
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Next door neighbors, the O'Dells, took the opportunity to doctor an Aruba photo in an effort to embarrass the host. (Many others would follow, and succeed, in these same efforts. However, I would need little, if any help, in this endeavor as the night progressed-- just ask my wife. The blown up photo, was a picture of a male donkey (a very blessed male donkey), which actually appeared to have five legs- if you know what I mean. My face was super-imposed on the beast and a Lauren photo cut out was riding bare back. The question posed to the party was; "WHAT WILL BE LAUREN'S OPINION OF BILL AT THE END OF TONIGHT? STUD or JACKASS? The final tally (and I am a little concerned since I thought I invited my FRIENDS) was 16-13 in favor of JACKASS!! Now, although, to my dismay, the vote was ultimately correct I must stand by the Florida tradition and ask for a recount. 34 people attended the party yet only 29 voted- I neeeed those votes.
THEY'RE NO N SYNC
The entertainment value of this party plays second fiddle to noone!! From the best of my recollection Fantasy Football Song Parodier wannabes, Dan Reed, Mike Reed, Bill Blackmon, Rob Burch, Dave Lane and Bill Ellison concocted a Birthday Parody to the tune of the Mamas and the Papas California Dreamin' (According to Dan, Lane was Mama Cass). The harsh, yet well meaning lyrics were as follows;
BILL HOUSTON'S TURNIN' 40
Most his hair is gone
And it's turnin gray
And his knees are shot
From playing a game
Writing a Newsletter
And not getting paid
Bill Houston's turnin 40
On such a winters day
Went down to his Den
Went right by Lauren
He asked her pretty please
Would you just let me play?
You know he's gotta change the rules
For him to win everyday
Bill Houston's turnin 40
He's reachin middle age
He's been tryin hard
Readin everyday
Got to get an edge
For the Sharks to play
Got to beat Ed Schroll
Win the plaque today
Bill Houston's turnin 40
On such a winters day
Bill Houston's turnin 40
On such a winters day
Not to be outdone, Neighbor Sharon and Jimbo composed a Rap Song equiped with booklet and pictures (mostly obscene). EDITORS NOTE; The lyrics and pictures, while very funny and crude, are highly inaccurate and are not necessarily a true reflection of the birthday boy. (I had to put that in). EDITORS NOTE #2; Jim sang the song but Peter O'Dell uncharacteristically provided the back-up sounds- A true indication that he was verrry drunk.
He's gettin old...his name is Bill
To get it up he needs a pill
He's turnin 40...nothin' great
He sits at home to masturbate
When his wife gets drunk, he takes good care
It's too damn bad he's losin his hair
One fine Saturday, we drank some wine
Some of us were thinkin..isn't his fine
On the weekends he likes his beer
Now we're startin to wonder, could Bill be queer
His rubber dick takes a bounce
As he drinks his forty ounce
Scott sure likes him.. it's pretty clear
'Cause he gave him some tongue, in between beers
We've had some memorable times and we look for lots more
Cause if we know Bill, he'll want to even the score
Happy birthday Bill... you're such a good sport
We look forward to your next Shannon Glen Report
(It's no Rogers and Hammerstien, but not bad.)
THE ANTICS OF ROCK BURCH
Only one person could supply the party with over $100 worth of alcohol, and that person would be none other than the ROCK, Rob Burch. 1) Two cases of Labbatt came in handy when the Keg was kicked (and or frozen), 2) A never ending shot supply of that Blue Drink (known as Blue Hawaiians). 3) A huge bottle of Gray Goose Vodka (which went unopened). And 4) some funky drink that came in a hairspray bottle (which John Rosati seemed to have a fond affection for.****FOR THOSE WHO MAY HAVE MISSED IT****If you've never seen Spray-On-Hair before, then you missed a real treat. Burch coaxed me into removing my shirt (showing off that 40-year-old body), grabbing a seat in the kitchen, and allowing him to target the back of my head. (At this time it is important to note that when using Spray-On-Hair, it is vital to get a color that is comparable to your own hair color). Burch apparently didn't take that into consideration when he sprayed away with DARK BROWN. Unfortunately, for me, he simply sprayed my entire head to get that one uniform color. I must admit I looked a mere 38.****The Rock's antics didn't stop there. Throughout the night he was a courteous guest, serving Blue Hawaiians from a tray in little white dixie cups. The guests and hosts were much obliged, having shots at the ready. THEN, IT STRUCK.... With tray in hand and hostess Lauren in plain view, Burch took a stumble. A gasping Lauren one had to see to believe, stood in shock as white dixie cups scattered to the Family Room floor. One might wonder what fate would have had in store for Mr. Burch had there actually been anything in those cups. A relieved Lauren would later witness beer hitting the floor for real on more than one occassion thanks to yours truly.
THE GIFTS
A special thanks once again to all my thoughtful so-called friends for their overly generous gifts.
"MOST WELL MEANING GIFT"; A six-pack of assorted Carribean Beers. I know you were looking for The Official Beer of Aruba- BALASHI.
"MOST THOUGHTFUL GIFT"; The SI Swim Suit Edition- "Nuff said".
"MOST EMBARRASSING GIFT"; Glow in the Dark Banana Boxer shorts. You made me where them. I wore them proudly (with brown socks and all). And then I showed them off in the dark wash room to all of my closest female friends. And yes they DO Glow in the Dark- and NO, the do not have any Turn-On affects to the opposite sex.
"RUDEST GIFT"; A Baltimore Ravens Hat- I know it was from you Gosier.
"GIFT WITH A MESSAGE"; GOLF BALLS. It is apparent that as we embark on our initial year at Greystone, many of you believe I will be in need of this gift. I AGREE, Thank You.
"INDIAN GIVER (or is it NATIVE AMERICAN GIVER) GIFT"; A WALKER from Strong Hospital, which as a candidate for a knee replacement would come in very handy for me. Seems Mr and Mrs Lane thought this was a very funny gift, but they obtained it illegally and need it back. HA.... seems the jokes on you now, isn't it?
"BEST CARD"; I got two of these and it goes like this. "GOSH, LET'S SEE, IN DOG YEARS YOU'D BE.......DEAD".
"MOST USEFUL GIFT"; The many bottle of wines I recieved. How did you ever know I was a drinker?
NOTES AND QUOTES
Lawyer Greg (40 on March 1st) and Wife (Mother Of Five) had to leave early when the Babysitter called, complaining that a child was thowing up. Greg's wife could be overheard saying "Eight dollars an hour, you'd think she could clean up a little puke."*****From the "Small World Department" Brother Jeff was talking to Wife (Mother of Five) and found out she actually went to the same small-town high school as our father. How' bout that.*****Bill Ellison brought old College pictures and yes, he actually had hair. Wife Diane, on the other hand just turned 40 on March 1st, and she looks the same. I, as you all saw, had hair as well, and it was permed...ah... those were the days.*****The Joan Rivers best dressed coat hanger award goes to my Long Island Buddy, Tim Tangel, who was wearing a jacket and tie. Unfortunately, in an unprecedented awards show moment he was also recognized as the worst dressed later in the night, when he sported a bathing suit, wore the tie around his head (which later Hostess Lauren donned) and attempted to get bodies to enter the Hot Tub in the 10 degree temperatures. He found no takers.*****Thanks to the Busaccos for digitally composing a most unflattering photo of the host, framing the picture with the caption- "Welcome to Bill's 40th Birthday Party". The photo of my sweaty, smiling face from the Wyle E.O.L. party contains the Voice Bubble "I don't Feel 40, How do I look".*****Thanks to Rick The Cop for making an on the job cameo. I got to take a picture with a real life Policeman, and the women got to see a man in uniform.*****J.R. grew attached to the vibrating chair as he and Burch were the last to leave the party, some time after 1:00am. The two of them sat back most of the late night observing me as I managed to kick over my Super Bowl Mug-of-Beer not once, but twice, much to the chagrin of my wife. The second time, Rosati and Burch watched anxiously, knowing the impending boot was coming at any second. Instead of warning me or moving the Mug they sat back and enjoyed a good laugh. Thanks A Lot Guys!!!
THANKS TO ALL THOSE WHO CAME
The O'Dells, The Gosiers, The Hymans, The McCullums, Sharon & Jim, Tess and Rick (From the Neighborhood). The Dan Reeds, The Mike Reeds, The Ellisons, The Blackmons, The Lanes, and Tim Angeline (From Forever). The Busaccos, Kristen and Lance, and Rob and J.R. (From Wyle). Greg and his wife (From the other day). Jeff and Tim (From New York and Beyond Forever). And especially Lauren for planning the party and putting all the finishing touches on it.
